


The Space Between Then and Now

by biprincess



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017), Riverdale - Fandom
Genre: F/F, Past Relationship(s), relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-23
Updated: 2018-03-23
Packaged: 2019-04-06 20:06:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14064576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/biprincess/pseuds/biprincess
Summary: You don't know the real Cheryl Blossom because you see what she wants you too see. I just wanted to try putting myself in her shoes.





	The Space Between Then and Now

It has been snowing for a few days now, making everything seem softer. I watch it fall with a blank mind.

If Jason were here, we'd both bundle up and head out; no destination, just to be together and out of this house. I suppose I could go alone. Since this is the first winter without him, it'd be the first time I went without him; would he hate me for it? No, no, Jason would never hate me. That's crazy. Could I even handle going alone? I might break if I think about Jason for too long.

I watch my window frost over before I finally get out of bed and head for the bathroom, starting the water for my shower as cold as it'll go. It freezes me to the bone almost immediately.

When I am done, I stand in front of my closet, wrapped in a fluffy baby blue towel. I rifle through some options, no, no, no, until I come across the one. 'The one' is a white dress, knee length, full skirted. The top has a sweetheart neckline with one inch straps that form an x across my back. Jason would love this dress, I know it. In fact, when I bought it, I called out from the dressing room; "Hey, Jason, I think you're really going to like this one!" Before I could stop myself.

I put on my bra and undies, then the dress; I quickly pull on a pair of sheer white tights, mentally debating between my white pumps and my white Louboutins. I decide on the Louboutins; the red bottoms would work nicely with my accessories. I pin my cherry brooch over my heart and put in some red studs, and then I tie my hair up in a high, but loose ponytail. As an afterthought I pull some loose curls down to frame my face.

With a few strokes of my mascara wand, a full, red lip, and a grab of my knee length red button up coat, I head out the door. 

I wouldn't have been able to do so if I didn't know for a fact that I look perfect, and nothing about me is out of place. I can't have a crack in my exterior.

-

The cold automatically bites my cheeks, but I don't mind it. The sidewalks have been shoveled, only icy in some places. My breath is coming out white, and I only pass a few people on the walk before I make it to the spot, where I end up alone. 

It's so weird to me that when people visit here, Jason is not the first thing they think of. He's the only thing I think about. I can see him now, in my mind, smiling back at me as he reaches for my hand to help me stay balanced on the rocks. Laughing at some dumb joke I said. Telling me that he had to leave Riverdale because Polly was pregnant and he wanted to marry her.

This is where I told him that I was bisexual. I was so scared I was trembling, on the verge of tears. I was sure he wouldn't love me anymore, or love me differently. 

I had been wanting to tell him all day, everyday for months, and I was going wait till we were on the lake, but I couldn't. There was no escape on the water, in case this went awry.  
I pulled him down from the rocks and turned him around to look at me. He could tell right away that I had something serious to say, and it came tumbling out in seconds. I began to ramble - I'm so sorry , I'm bisexual, please don't hate me. I even started to tell him about Heather, but he cut me off by saying, 

"Cheryl, whoa, calm down. It's all okay. I don't hate you, and I know about you and Heather. And I've known about you for a long time."

"What?" I wipe away the tears and sniffling. "How?"

"Mom and dad were up arguing about it that night, after it happened. You remember? I could hear them through the walls. I remember mom saying, "I will not have a daughter who likes girls, Cliff! I won't! I'll die before I let that happen!" She was practically shouting."

"I remember how mad she was," I said, thinking back. "She didn't talk to me for a week."

"I remember that, too. She even tried to turn me against you. She came into my room and said that you had been deviant, that you needed to be punished. She said that I couldn't talk to you, either."

"Oh." I remember, though, that he talked to me still. In fact, he spoke to me like nothing was wrong, the way we always did.

And he defied my mother. I love him for that.

"I told her to fuck off." Jason said.

"What?" I laugh through my tears. "You didn't!"

"Word for word, I did." he laughed with me. "Mom was appalled, but it was already done. I said, "Fuck off, I love Cheryl, and you should, too. I don't think that she knew that I knew what'd happened. Mom stormed out, she was so angry. She acted like there was was something wrong with you."

That thought hits me like a ton of bricks. I had thought the same thing some many times, and I am thinking it now.

"Maybe there is." I whispered. "What if there is something wrong with me, Jason?"

I started to cry then, really cry, but he told me stop, stop that. Assured me again and again that I was fine, that there's was nothing wrong with me. Said he'd tell me that every time I needed to hear it.

"Hey, Cheryl?" he said, pulling away from me and wiping away my tears. "You know that you're still Cheryl, don't you? You like girls and you like boys, and I don't care what mom says, I don't care what anyone says; you are perfect the way you are. You're beautiful, smart, caring, funny and bisexual, too. There's nothing wrong with that. And there's nothing wrong with you."

He's so sincere that I feel as though he's lifted the weight off my shoulders. I feel lighter, like, if Jason can handle this with such ease then maybe other people could, too.

"Thanks, Jason." I had said, grabbing his hand and pulling us towards our spot. "I love you."

"Thanks for telling me. I'm glad you did," he followed behind me. "I love you, too."

And he did. His love for me didn't change at all, neither did the way he loved me. He was still the same Jason, and I was still the same Cheryl.

He never told my mom, he never told anyone. When I'd say I have a crush, he'd say: "Boy or girl?" And on the times it was a girl he'd cover for me - we'd leave the house together, saying we were going out, but then but he'd take me to meet them and he'd do his own thing in the meantime.

He really was the best.

I pick up my pace, getting closer to where we went our seperate ways for the final time; where he crossed the river and left me, and I let him. Before I realize it I am standing on the same rock, looking out over the frozen lake. It feels dull covered in all this snow, almost; like a knock off of the real thing.

This place was our home away from our home. A break from our house and being The Blossoms. We'd come here so much we could have lived here, in the woods. Rain or shine. Something about it makes you feel safe, protected.

As I look out over the water, I can't help but wonder: does Jason know that I tried to join him? Did he see my tears, Archie's blood, the shattered ice? My broken heart? Did he send Archie and the gang to save me, even though I know they don't like me? What does he have to say about me burning down the house we grew up in? Does he know I did it for him? That I like the hotel we're staying in now because it has no trace of him?

I bask in the silence for a moment. Another memory comes rushing back, a week or two before Jason left. It was a beautiful day, the sun shining bright, and we had a picnic out here, just the two of us. I snuck a strawberry off his plate and asked,

"It's so peaceful here, isn't it, Jason? We could just stay here forever, never go home. Cross the lake in a little boat and never come back."

I don't think I was joking, though I made it seem like I was. 

"They'd never find us," I continued. "We could just start over. It'd be just you and me."

He didn't say anything for so long that I schooched over and weaved my arm through his, resting my head on his arm. We sat in silence for a bit, to the point where I was sure he wasn't going to answer. We stared out over the river and thought about it.

And eventually he answered, "Sounds like a plan."

I could tell that he wasn't joking in the slightest.

I snap back to the now when I hear a bird chirp, and after a while I finally head back into town. The sky grows dark overhead, and it's night by the time I reach Pop's.

-

A bell chimes when I walk in. I head for booth at the back of the restaurant, seeing Archie and his gang as I do. My cheeks burn remembering what was happening the last time we were together. I notice that Arch's hands are wrapped in gauze, and I can feel their eyes burning holes into me as I slide in to the booth. I shed my gloves and put them in my pockets as Pop comes over to ask if I want my usual, a strawberry milkshake.

"Yes, please." 

After Jason died, he gave me free milkshakes and fries for an entire month, but I left a tip big enough to cover them. Sometimes, he still does.

"Sure thing, Miss Blossom." he says, nodding his departure.

For the first time today I check my phone; no calls or texts. I don't know why I expected to have any. I set it to the side. Straighten my silverware. I shrug off my coat and set it at my side. Rest my chin on my hand and wait.

Thankfully I am facing the wall, so no one can see how alone I look. Am? Look.

"Hey." I hear, the voice startling me. "Hey, Cheryl."

I turn to the voice. Veronica Lodge stands before me, perfection in the most genuine way. She's wearing a flowy plum tank top, black skinny jeans, and black booties. Her hair is behaving, her makeup is smudge free, and of course she's wearing her classy, signature pearls. She looks fantastic. It makes me almost envious.

Why is she over here? Talking to me? Are they playing at some sort of joke? Is she going to make fun of me?

"Veronica." I reply, cautiously. "Hi."

"How are you?" she asks. 

Walls pop up immediately. I think of how I spent my day, of my brother.

"I'm fine," I lie. "Why?"

I turn and give a quick glance to the group, who are watching us converse. I still can't tell if this conversation is real or not.

"I meant-" she stops, starts over, "I meant after what, um...happened. We haven't seen you since."

"Oh." I blush. "Yeah, that. I'm okay, Veronica. Thanks for asking."

I'm waiting for a mean spirited joke, cause it's what I would have done. Something about me being over dramatic, or crazy. But she simply studies me.

"I'm sorry you're doing so bad, Cheryl."

I look anywhere but her. I want to tell her I'm fine but she knows it's bullshit.

"I've never been where you went, so I don't completely understand why you did what you did." she says. "I know you can be mean-"

The words hit me like an arrow to the heart, and I retaliate instinctively.

"If you're trying to hurt me," I snap, cutting her off, "You're going to have to try a lot harder than that."

She laughs, and sits down across from me. "No, Cheryl, listen - I also know you don't mean it. Anyone can see that you have demons, and I've always just thought you were dealing with them the best you could. That that's why you are the way you are. But maybe you weren't dealing at all."'

"Maybe I'm just a bitch." I say, shrugging. "You know, mean for the sake of being mean." 

"Maybe, but I doubt it." She finds my hand across the table. I almost recoil from her touch, it's so foreign to me, but in the end I let her do it. "But I think you're hurting."

I swallow. Her words hold no meanness, and I don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to handle any of this, honestly.

It's my turn to speak, I know, and I rack my brain for something, anything, to say.

"Thanks, V. That was really...sweet." I say, pulling an imaginary thread off of my dress. "I'm sorry, I don't really know what else to say-"

Suddenly Pop interrupts to slide my shake in front of me. I am grateful for the distraction and I pull it towards me, taking a long sip.

"Strawberry shake." he says, "And fries, too. On the house. You don't seem yourself tonight. Thought you could use 'em."

I clear my throat awkwardly. "Thank you, I appreciate it."

"Anytime," he says. "You know that."

Then he's gone, and we're alone again. I push the basket of fries in Veronica's direction.

She takes a small one and pops it in her mouth, wiping the salt off on a napkin. 

"You know," she says, once she's done chewing, "You act like you're all alone. All the time."

"Because I am." I say. "Since Jason died, I've been alone."

"But you haven't! You're not. You act like you're all alone but you have so much love all around you. And I know you have it in you. You've convinced yourself that no one likes you because you don't like you, but that's not true. If you'd let people in, let them get to know you, maybe you would see how great I know you can be."

I look down to hands, which are in my lap. I notice a chip in my cherry red nail polish and begin to pick at it.

"You should get back to your friends." I say, after a moment and a deep breath. "I'm sure they're waiting for you."

She doesn't say anything, just sighs. 

"You can come join us." she says, eventually. "If you want."

"Really?"

I look back to them again. They're still staring, but trying to make it seem like they aren't. Jughead almost chokes on his drink when I look their way, having been caught red handed. It makes me smile.

A small part of me is angry that Veronica thought she could just come over here and dissect me like that, in Pop's of all places. That she has any say on me whatsoever. But a bigger part is almost...relieved. Relieved and grateful. She could see that I was hurting and came to help me. I should accept that as the simple act of kindness that I know it is and go to sit with her, but I stay rooted to where I sit. Because what if they got to know me? What if I went over there, let them in, let them know the real me, and they didn't like what they saw? I'd be alone all over again.

What if they hate me like I hate me? The thought is overwhelming in the way it turns my heart heavy, because I know they're good people and that I'm, well...not.

"I'm okay here." I say, and all the anxiety leaves the moment I decide. "Thank you, though."

"It's your call." she says, standing. "But if you change your mind, you know where we'll be."

I can hear her heels clacking as she walks away, leaving me to my shake and fries alone.

A debate starts up in my head immediately.

"Go!" A voice in my head shouts. "Just go! She offered, she meant it, and you could use some friends. Real ones. You were thisclose to the edge, do you want to go over it or star away from it? Get better?"

But another rises up, just as loud, if not louder.

They won't like you.

I close my eyes. I don't know which to believe. I wish I could see, right now, what will happen in the future. If they stay with me or not. I wish I knew if it is worth it.  
Then I imagine Jason. If he were here, he'd pack up my shit and move me over there, no question. He'd practically push me out of the booth, promising me that it'd be okay, and that I deserve a bit of fun, and that they'd love me because he loves me. And if he loves me, how bad can I possibly be?

I roll my eyes, but smile. He's right, Jason was always right. He saw something good in me that other people might be able to see, too.

"If this ends badly," I mumble to myself so he can hear, "I'm going to blame you."

But he knows I'm joking.

With a trembling hand I pull on my coat, put my phone in my pocket. I grab my shake and fries. 

On shaky legs I walk over to their table, and the conversation dies.

I feel dread in my stomach like a rock; I made a mistake. I knew it.

But then Betty Cooper scoots over, and pats the seat next to her, Jughead taking the cue to move over. 

"Sit." she instructs.

I do as he says, setting my shake down and the fries in the middle of the table. Archie and Veronica it across from me. We sit in an awkward, tense silence, like the first day of school when no one knows each other well enough to talk so they wait for instructions from the teacher.

"Talk to them!" Jason's voice pipes up in my mind. "Anything!"

"Fries?" I offer, motioning to the basket. "Help yourself."

Jughead's hand shoots out, grabs one, and eats it in the span of three seconds. Betty side eyes him. 

"She offered!' he says, jokingly indignant. "You know I'm not gonna turn away free food! Seriously, Cheryl, I thought you'd never offer. I was just about to take one."

The table erupts into easy laughter, myself included. It's real, too, which hasn't happened in months. Then we fall silent, and it's back. 

The awkwardness. I wish I could make it go away.

"I like your top, Betty." I say, desperate for anything to say. It's a baby pink crop top sweater that first her frame perfectly.

"Thanks, Cheryl." she nudges me. "You look so good, I love your dress."

"Me, too." Veronica chimes in. "It's to die for!"

"Thanks." I say, suddenly feeling more confident. Knowing that they like something that Jason would have picked out for me make me feel better. "I got it at the mall."

I feel my phone vibrate in my coat pocket and fish it out to see a text that says:

"i'm glad you changed ur mind (:" 

I think I'm glad too.

-

After Archie asks Jughead his opinion on so and so movie (that I happened to have seen, and could weigh in on) I feel like I have connected with everyone on some level. We fall into easy conversation, time flying by without me even noticing it. I smile, laugh, am nice and pleasant, remembering how I saw other people do it until it comes naturally. I know Jason would be proud of me, because I'm proud of me. 

I have eaten so many fries and gone through another shake by the time everyone decides they should go. Betty and Veronica are going home to do homework; Jughead lives with Archie now and assures me that he is going to whoop Archie in a game of Mortal Combat. Veronica invites me over, but I say that I want to stay for a bit longer.

"Okay." she says, everyone heading out as she stays behind. "See you tomorrow, then?"

I nod. "Yeah."

She bounces on her feet a little bit, almost giddy.

"Good." she says. "I'm glad."

She turns on her heal and heads for the door. I almost let her leave, but I call out,

"Hey, V?"

She turns around.

"Um, thank you. For tonight. For everything that you said."

"I told you you weren't alone," she says, "And I meant it."

The bell above the door announces her departure.

With a content sigh I finish off my shake, letting my mind wander, so happy it feels strange. It feels like the start of something new, like I'm new, and I don't have to be who I was. For the first time (besides with Jason) I could be me, I could be someone I'm proud of. Fight off these demons and keep them at bay.

My glass empty, I stand to put on my coat. Leave Pop a generous tip, and head for the door, to the car before I realize that I've forgotten my phone. I run back in to get it and almost mow down the girl bringing it to me. She's shorter than I am, has a pink streak in her hair. She's wearing skinny with knee high lace up combat boots, a black crop top, and a Southside Serpents leather jacket.

"Oh, thank you." I say, taking it from her. "I can't believe I forgot it!"

"Happens all the time," she assures me. "No problem."

She looks me up and down. I want to ask her name, I'm already curious, and I'm about to when she says,

"I'm Toni."

I smile, because it's like she read my mind.

"Cheryl." I say. "I'm Cheryl."

**Author's Note:**

> I have not seen season 2, only bits and pieces. But I love and adore Cheryl Blossom, I only want what's best for her, and that's why I wrote this.


End file.
